La Contessa says, "Fiat accompli!"

Who would have dreamed that the car company responsible for such machismo metal as the Challenger and the Barracuda would one day be rescued by a little Italian? These days, FIAT definitely doesn’t stand for Fix It Again Tony!

But La Contessa knows that life – vita mia - is full of irony, and relishes it. Almost as much as I adore the new Fiat 500, which in the old days we called Cinquecento. Ti adoro! My tail wags just to think of that August I spent with Cousin Giuseppe in Cassino, Frosinone. Giuseppe was the love child of a liaison between his maman and the local firehall’s Dalmation, and he has the lovely spots to prove it! A proud member of Italy’s Vigili del Fuco (The Firewatchers),  he lives with a fireman who collects the Cinquecento in all its charming derivatives. Our favourite is the Ferves Ranger, a 4WD Fiat used – yes - in fighting fires.

Enough reminiscing! Back to our new Fiat 500, which pays homage to its cherished ancestor in many styling cues, from the wide-eyed headlights to the friendly silhouette. Inside, everything is compact and thoughtfully placed – although it took us a bit to get used to the centre dial, where speedometer, gas gauge, temperature gauge, clock, speed, odometer, tachometer, radio station, gear and the outside temperature are contained in a six-inch diameter readout. Anima mia, a model of efficiency.

Where Fiat plans to install the espresso machine, we can’t imagine. Not the trunk, which is too tiny to fit more than a weekend’s luggage for a single pup like myself. Was that perhaps the inspiration for JLo’s commercial? Was there a hidden message equating JLo’s ample booty to the teeny Fiat trunk? Oh wait, that whole commercial was a fake, right ...

As we cruised along Little Italy, we slid back the sunroof to breathe in the summer breeze, loving the screen that kept our fur in place. We stopped for a gelato, and took a few minutes to check out our little tesoro. Red is our favourite colour, and it sprang up in devilish little details, from the FIAT badge to the calipers in the natty 15-inch wheels, and even inside the engine. Tootling along busy College Street, we loved squeezing between the 506 College streetcar and a silly Purolator truck, nipping in and out of traffic, and pulling u-turns in front of Escalades. Che divertimento!

And we loved the 101 HP engine – how those Italian engineers must have sweated out that one extra HP. Perfecto for city traffic and the urban lifestyle – that’s how La Contessa rolls. Call us a chick, call us a girly girl, but don’t call before noon because we’re busy being fabulous.

New Year's resolutions for the King 504 streetcar

While it was most thoughtful and kind of the TTC to provide free service on New Year’s Eve, within a few scant hours the Better Way was back to business – and riders were slapped with a ten cent fare hike. 

  

What’s the extra dime for? Apparently, just to maintain the status quo.  We interpret this as meaning some semblance of service. And so here are a few New Year’s resolutions for my good friend, the King 504 streetcar:

I will at least TRY to arrive on time.

I will not arrive in bunches of two or three or more, like a gang of chicks going to the can.

I will not short-turn at the last minute at Gerrard or York Street, especially in the freezing rain or sweltering heat.

I will not pull away from a panicky passenger who has just risked their life by sprinting across a busy intersection. No, I will wait for ALL my passengers to board before I shut my doors – just as many of them wait for moi.

I will avoid being on the road, yet curiously “Not In Service”. That’s just mean.

I will co-operate and play nice with apps such as Rocket Radar and TTC Navigator and not make them look like idiots.

When potential users get sick of waiting for me and decide to walk or take a cab, I will not finally glide by with a smirk on my headlights.

If riders are waiting for a delayed eastbound 504, the westbound 504 will not tease them by arriving just across the street … over and over and over again. And vice versa.

As difficult as it is to admit, I am NOT Harry Potter’s Knight Bus. Muggles can ride, and don’t need to wave a magic wand. Obstacles will not jump out of my way.

If I break any of these resolutions, I will remember that I can be replaced by a ridiculous gondola.

All I want for Chrismakah

If you look closely at the photo on the left, you’ll see it’s a Christmas tree – but decorated with photos of a young Barbra Streisand. The handiwork of Rhonda Lieberman, a “Barbra Bush” may just be the perfect way to celebrate Chrismakah . (That’s Christmas and Hanukah for those who may be wondering.)

Naturally, there are a few things on my Chrismakah list that are a little futuristic and perhaps downright fantastical. For example: I’d like a car where every surface is heated. Not just heated seats and a heated steering wheel, but a heated dashboard, floormat, gearshift, etc. I don’t want to touch anything cold. Ever.

This would extend to the outside. If all the body panels were heated, why, the snow would just mellllt away.

While we’re at it, how about the car colour changing at the touch of a button? That’s because sometimes, I’d like to have a pink car. That’s when I ‘m parking in a dubious neighbourhood. Nobody steals pink cars, right?Then it could switch back to silver when I’m ready to leave.

And wouldn’t it be great if my car shrank so it could fit into really tiny parking spaces? That way I wouldn’t have to bash the cars around me like this idiot.

Then there’s the question of fuel. You can go ahead and run your car on hydrogen or electricity, but me, I’d like my car to run on my favourite beverage – like hot chocolate or green tea. I know I’d never run out!

How about some additional lanes on the roadways? Not just for bicycles, but for those drivers who simply must attend to their text messages. That’s because all cars would be equipped with motion detecting software that lights up a big LED rooftop sign “CAUTION DRIVER TEXTING” as soon as they reach for their Crackberry.

Finally, I’d like my car to turn into a streetcar like the King 504. That way, I really could use transit as much as I want to. And … I’d be on time.